What We Didn’t Know

Steve Layson, do you see these two people? Who are they? They were so young young-ish and happy. They look well-rested, don’t they?

Me? This was hands-down the best day of my life. I was calm, confident. The entire day was like a really good dream. It was the most beautiful November day in Kentucky. All my family had made it into town. I spent the entire morning with my best friends laughing, drinking coffee, dreaming. I couldn’t wait to marry you. And that hair? Please. It has never looked better.

You? You seemed excited and nervous all at the same time. I know you were embarrassed when your lip quivered uncontrollably as I walked down the aisle. Your shoes were probably uncomfortable. And I know you hated having the attention of 200 guests! But I could tell you felt solid about this decision.

What you didn’t know is that I would send you a box of my honeymoon lingerie to open up before the wedding. (You opened it right as our preachers were walking into the chapel to pray with you… SO EMBARRASSING! That’s what I get for trying to be funny.) What I didn’t know was that you would surprise me with a diamond wedding band – not the one we originally picked out in the store – to coordinate with my engagement ring. Neither one of us knew that we’d get stuck in Puerto Rico and spend the night in an airport-hotel-casino without any luggage.

I’m not sure either one of us could have predicted how easy it would be in the beginning. Our first year of marriage was a cake walk. I thought for sure that we’d cornered the market on successful relationships… I mean, OF COURSE, we’re both counselors. Right? (Eye roll.) I thought we were home free. What I didn’t know was just how much there was to come.

What we didn’t know is that it would take us over a year to get pregnant. We didn’t know how exciting it would be to get that news! Do you still remember that morning? I screamed so loud… You thought something was wrong. What you didn’t know is that I had secretly purchased and taken a pregnancy test… And it was POSITIVE. We celebrated with breakfast at Cracker Barrel. I didn’t know that was the last meal I’d want to eat for the next 3 months! We didn’t know how much we would love that baby girl… or how much we would fight while we were sleep deprived!

What we didn’t know is that about 6 months into parenthood, I’d end up at the doctor’s office with a strange lump. Remember the night you came into our room to find me Googling ‘Thyroid Cancer’? I was crying so hard. I don’t think you’d ever seen me so scared. You took the computer away and banned WebMD for a year. (Good call.) By the time we got the official diagnosis I was calm. But you? You ran 2 stop lights and a stop sign on our way home from Good Sam. I thought I had a greater chance of dying in downtown Lexington that day then I ever did with cancer!

We didn’t know that the week I finished my treatments, you’d end up in the hospital with CMV. (We didn’t even know there was such a thing!) I didn’t know how sick you were. You didn’t know how scared I was. It was just the two of us and Jane Gray, so I had to stay with her while you slept at St. Joseph’s… alone. I missed you so bad those two nights. You came home from the hospital on my 30th birthday. I still remember how you arranged for Katie to pick up that bracelet I loved. You had it wrapped, and hid it in your overnight bag… I was so surprised!

What we didn’t know is that about two years later we’d be sitting in UK Hospital waiting on one of my many follow-up MRI’s only to find out that Layson Baby #2 was on his way! We were both shocked! It was exciting news, but we were nervous… We didn’t know that a baby after cancer is kinda scary. We had no idea that little boy would change our family dynamic FOREVER. We didn’t know that he was part boy/ part rhinoceros. We didn’t know we could love something so smelly and so dirty so unconditionally!

We didn’t know that it would take us three moves to end up in Mississippi. You didn’t know Jackson was weird. I didn’t know I’d be homesick for our life in Kentucky. Neither one of us knew how hard it would be to maintain our identity professionally and personally once we moved back here. We didn’t know how much we’d miss the beautiful chaos of community mental health. We didn’t know how we’d miss working together… toward a common goal… for a greater good.

We didn’t know that we’d experience the trauma blessing of a surprise baby! You didn’t even know I went to the doctor that day… I didn’t know I’d leave with such news! I called you immediately from the office, but you were seeing clients… you never answer your phone in the middle of the hour… so I texted you… “Call me. I’m pregnant.” (You still haven’t forgiven me for that one!) We didn’t know he’d weight 9lbs. 13oz. We didn’t know he’d be the joy of our family!

What we didn’t know is that our 8 year anniversary gift would be a new dishwasher and another car seat. We didn’t know that we’d celebrate with carpool, snack time, play time, dinner time, bath time, bed time… the regular repeated pattern of our shared life. We didn’t know that date nights and romantic dinners would be on hold until further notice. We didn’t know that pizza and Netflix would actually sound better than dinner and a movie out.

What we didn’t know is how hard life would be with three kids, two jobs, and one house. We didn’t know in the beginning that two into one is messy and complicated and beautiful all at the same time. I didn’t know the depths of sacrificial love. And honestly, it’s not for the faint of heart. These last 8 years have been hard. But despite all that, what I didn’t know was… How amazing our three kids would be… How you’d still think I was beautiful after babies and stretch marks, and wrinkles… How comforting it would be to hear your car pull into the driveway each night… How I would love to hear you laugh with our kids… How I would love when you hold my hand in church… How I would choke up at the thought of a life without you. You have seen me at my best (see previous photo) and my absolute worst (photo not included). We’ve tackled life together, and for everything we didn’t know, I do know this: I love you… In sickness and in health, for better or for worse, for richer (now would be a good time) or poorer, til death… I choose you. Right now that’s about all I know. But for today, that’s enough.

Happy anniversary, Steve Layson. You’re the best decision I ever made.